Mood:  not sure
If u do actually read this, start from the bottom up!
thanks and it will take me a while to finish!

Cont.
Mood:  don't ask
Ok, where do i begin? First, before i even told my mom, i gave her the "what if one day...?" just to get an idea of how she was going to react. She suprised me by telling me she wasent sure but wouldnt freak out. So at the time i was at summer school, it was a very hot july afternoon and my mom had just picked me up from school. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I told her i was and the main thing i remember was her eyes. They looked like they would pop out of her head. But she didnt go crazy. She was calm and asked me what i wanted to do about. And i honestly didnt know what i wanted to do. Its all i thought about constently. I wanted to have a baby with jason, but i was still 16!!! I hadent even started my senior year of HS. I didnt relize what responsibilites went with having a child. I had no idea. I thought about having an abbortion. Actually keeping the baby and abortion were the only options. I never would have considered adoption. I know i couldnt give it up. And i know my family would never let me. Jason of course was leaning towards an abortion. He also gave me the " its not mine " line! I got mad for a second that just laughed it of. He either didnt want it to be his or i sometimes think its programed in there heads that when they hear "im pregnant" , "its not mine" just spits out. I knew it was his, yeah right, like i would ever take the chance of losing him? Anyways, my mom dropped me off at jasons and told me she was going home to tell everyone else.
" no mom, not yet, u don't have to do it yet!" me
" then when kathryn? u have to get it over with!"
So she went home and told my sisters and my dad. Both my sisters show up at jasons house- sarah the emotional one crying asking me "how could u be so stupid? what r u going to do?" then theres mary- the smart ass one rolling her eyes -"ur dumb" they were both there in our face, jason started getting pissed off and tension was growing. I eventually left with them to face my dad. My dad isnt very scaring, but hes very dramatic. I got there, and it was just question after question after question. "have u ever heard of condoms?" "what happen?" "what r u going to do?" "how could u be so stupid?" and on and on it went!!! I knew once everyone got through the initial shock, things would cool down. It was prob. one of the craziest days of my life. I finally got a call from jason and he told me he told his mom. OH, great - here we go again!
" what she say? " - me
" she was happy" - jason
" WHAT?- are u serious?" - me
" yes im very serious" jason
I never thought to look at this situation as a good, happy thing. Since it had been out it was all negative. It was the first time i relized thats its not a complete tragedy. Thinking back i think thats when in the back of my head i knew i was keeping the baby. I hadent given anyone an answer yet about what i was going to do. But to think it could make one person happy, wait till everyone gets used to it. I know my family and i knew they would be there for me. I just really couldnt beleive she said that, so i called her. And he was right! Probably because her son was already 21 she didn't look at it so horibly. But she was definitly happy. So for the next week or two i kept everyone on there toes, not knowing what i was going to do. Jason i really knew deep down didnt want it, but i honestly didnt take anything he said into consideration and he knew that,so he was a dick!!! And it almost worked! He had gotten me soooo upset and so mad with all the things he was doing i made the appointment with my primary doc. to get the referal for the abortion clinic.

Mood:  hungry
If anyone actually reads this, start from the bottom up!!!!

my life 3
Mood:  accident prone
Ok, well besides the fact jason was constently cheated on me and lieing to me, our relationship was okay.( thats pretty bad ) I had met his mom, sissy and she was very cool. I hadent met his dad yet cause he was on the road working a lot. He drove those big 18 wheelers for a moving company cross country, so he was out of town a lot. We were still going through things but still together. Deep down i knew he cared. I know that sounds dumb. But its how i felt. I didnt know any different. I tryed to spend as much time with him as i could. I didnt have a car and i still had a curfew and couldn't go out that much during the week. My sister mary had started dating Jasons good friend steve. So we would all hang out sometimes. But my situation was perfect for jason. I couldn't get around on my own and had to be home a lot. He on the other hand was on his own. So he could come and go as he pleased. he knew he had me and i think thats why he was the way he was. He knew i wasent going anywhere. Whenever we were out together on the weekends, i was supicious of every girl, even my friends. Especially since i was so preoccupied with jason i wasent around that much with them. Girls are sneaky. I was probably to blame for my own insecuritys and issuses with jason, but its hard to trust females also. At the time i didn't relize how bad they could be. Jason ended up sleeping with a friend of mine, and i blamed her, i also speculated about another friend, but to this day don't know the truth.
Rachael is a life long friend of the familys that we;ve known for a long time. Shes a year older then me and her and her family moved to north carolina my 8th grade year of middle school. We had always kept in touch with them and each other would visit at least once a year. She was graduating high school in may ( my juinor year of hs ) and invited us to come down to celebrate. Her and her boyfriend were going to rent a beach house for memorial day weekend. My other sister and her boyfriend kristian were planning on going and i wanted to also go. Everyone else in the family couldn't go. So i figued it was the perfect opp. for me and jason to get away and be alone. My mom actually (very reluctently) agreed to let jason come with us if my sister kept an "eye" on us. So after lots of begging and pleading with jason, he finally decided to come!
I was sooooo happy. Finally we could be alone, away from all these people. We began our trip friday. It takes about 7 hours to get there so it was a pretty long trip. We had a good time to. We didnt fight once! We had our own room and took advantage of it!!!! I was actually feeling alot better about our relationship. We played cards everynight, drank and went to the beach during the day. I'll have memories of that weekend forever. Besides the fact that, that weekend changed my life forever.
We got home and everything was pretty much back to normal. Except for something wasent right with me. My period was late. I don't know how it happens with most woman, but i just knew right away. In the back of my head knew i was pregnant. I ignored it for a couple weeks then finally got the nerve to go take a test. I had only confided in my friend Tara. she was pretty much the only one i could trust that wouldnt go nuts. We went to a planned parent hood to take a free test. I was so nrevous the whole time. Even though i knew, it was facing the reality that i didnt want. Jason was away at the beach with his friends when i took the test. Tara took one to, to make me feel better. My boobs were already swollen, i had already become nauses, so i wasent suprised when it came back positive. I was a little suprised when taras came back inconclusive. The lady asked her if she wanted to take another one, but tara declined. Then we had to sit through a 1/2 hr lecture on adoption and blah blah blah. I honestly don't remember what the lady was talking about. We finally got out of there and into the car. thats when evrything just came out. "what am i going to do?" "what about my mom?" "school?" "whats jason going to say?" Jason was actually coming back that day and i made sure he picked me up on his way home from the beach. Jason and a mutual frien Kevin came and got me. I was in the back by myself, and told him. I couldnt see his face so i dont really know what went through his head that day. The next couple months are kind of one big blur to me.

My life 2
Mood:  a-ok
Our offical begining was Feb.10, 1999. It was going to be my 1st valentines day with a boyfriend. I was so excited. He got me a huge bear, a card, and a marvin the martian boble head. Which is my favorite cartoon character. I thought it was all very cute and the feelings just kept getting deeper and deeper. He at the time he was renting a room from a older guy named bill, who has a daughter that at the time was 13/14? who also lived there. Bill was one of those parents that just didn't care. His house was the hang out house. Its where everyone went to hang out, to drink, smoke, whatever. Thats the place i usually saw Jason. We would hang there with all our friends and just have fun. Like i said everyone had pagers back then and i remember going through his pager one day and seeing a # i didn't reconize and the code 13. I asked him about it and he told me it was his cousin. I had no reason to doubt him. We were only together a month when the first incident happened. It was one night during the week so I was at home hanging out with my sister. Jason told me he was going to his moms to stay there over night to visit with her. Like i said then, i had no reason not to beleive him. I was already "in love" and thought he could do no wrong. I had shared with him things i didn't tell anyone else, so i trusted him. So anyways, he calls me later that night supposedly from his moms. We talk for a little while and i notice he's acting different. He's in a rush and being short. My sister is next to me when i hang up and tells me to push *69. so i do. And its not his mothers #. As im about to call the # back he calls again.
" why was the phone busy?" he asked
" what are u talking about, where are u? Ur not at your mothers. Who's # is this?" me
" What are you talking about? Im at my moms, i have no idea what ur talking about!" jason
So i end up for some reason thinking " maybe im wrong, why would he lie?" Then i try to push *69 again and it was blocked. Thats why he had called back so soon, he forgot to block it the first time and relized his mistake. I really didn't want to think that he would lie to me. He cared about me, he told me he loved me! (Remember i was 16)My sister tells me the # i got from *69 is in an area of maryland were my cousin lives. I know his older cousin Linda lives in that area, but why would he lie about being there? Then i remember he told me of a girl he used to date named Tracy, who is Lindas very good friend. And thats were the Tracy saga begins! I confront him about the next day. He ends up using every private thing, every secret i told him, against me. This is when i find out about the true Jason. He denys everything tells me he doesent know what im talking about, manilpulates me into thinking im crazy and i did something wrong and threatens to tell certain people certain things. So i feel helpless. I don't want certain things to be out in the open, i trusted him with stuff and now he's using it against me. At the time i felt helpless. So, my dumbass lets it go. And i stay with him cause im so scared to lose him. I cant loose him so soon, he obviously cares if hes still with me, why wouldn't he just break up with me if he wanted to be with other people? Save all the drama and the questions and the bitching! All these thoughts are going through my head. So for the next 2 months im completey stresses out. I can't sleep cause alls i think about his "where is he really?" "Is he with her?" So many things happened during those 2 months I don't even think my fingers could handle typing it all. But i still stayed, knowing he cheated on me, seeing hickeys on his neck. Knowing its a bad situation. Knowing alls im doing is stessing myself out being hurt loosing sleep. Everyone around me thought i was crazy. They thought i was so dumb. " why are u still with him?" Then i would ask myself, "why is he still with me?" I didn't get it. He must love me if he's still with me. I would always think back to that first night we had sex. There was a song on the radio, and he told me it was his song to me. It was Maxwells "fortunate" And i just couldn't let go. U would think after only being with someone for 3 months it would be easy to just forget it. But for a 16yr old year old girl in her first relationship not really knowing how its supposed to be, growing up with parents that did fight all the time, verbally and physically, not knowing that ur supposed to be respected and treated good, it didn't seem sooo dumb. Then all hell breaks loose!

The begining
Mood:  chillin'
I met him in the winter of 98-99, my junior year of high school. I had just turned 16 and never knew my whole life was about to change. I'd never been in a serious relationship with anyone and had yet to experiance those butterfly feelings and other feelings you get when you meet your first love. His name was Jason. He was 20 at the time. Cute, with light brown hair about 5'10 blue eyes average size. I didn't think much of him, he was very quiet. I hardly herd him say two words. Thinking back I don't even remember the first moment we decided to start dating, it wasent some magical moment, some storybook romance. It just happened. We would hang out with friends all the time, he had a car, a 1989 CRX, a two seater with no back seat. And he was all mine! ( so i thought ) He would pick me up from school, we would get something to eat or just hang out with friends. He was the first guy i really ever had a relationship with so i thought i was begining to fall in love. I gave in after two weeks and we had sex.(no i wasent a virgin) The first time wasent the best cause i still had to be home at a certain time, so it was rushed. But after i got comfortable enough. Thats all we did!!! I started to keep a little calender how how many times a day we had sex. We got up to 6 times in one day. It was out of control. I was so nieve back then. I fell head over heels. He seemed to always be there. I remember when i really fell for him. It was the thing back then to have pagers, so one night after we got off the phone i got a page from him saying "urthe1" and i really truly beleived it.